What You Can Do to Help Your Toddler Begin Developing Self-Control from 12-24 Months:

• Offer choices.  Giving a child choices is important for helping her feel in control—that she has some say in the matter.  When possible, offer your child two acceptable alternatives and let her decide. Do you want to brush your teeth first, or put on your pajamas? Do you want a cheese stick or a bagel for snack?  It doesn’t matter what the choice is about, it just matters that choices exist.  But if a decision is really yours, don’t pretend to give your child a choice. Say, It’s time to go to bed now, not Are you ready for bed?

• Look for patterns. Watch how your child responds in different situations to better understand his temperament.  How does he handle changes and challenges?  What kinds of people and situations does he enjoy or avoid?  Identifying patterns can help you begin to anticipate how your child will respond in certain situations.  You can start to identify people, places, and experiences that may be challenging for him and help him prepare for how to handle them. You can also learn what comforts him and helps him cope in stressful situations.

• Empathize with your child’s feelings.  When your child is upset—perhaps a car has lost a wheel or her block tower has fallen down-- let her know you understand how sad and disappointed she is.  Don’t rush to cheer her up. It’ll be okay, We’ll fix it, or Let’s build it again may be valid responses. But the most important first step is to let her know it’s okay to feel what she’s feeling. You are so disappointed the tower fell.  That is so frustrating. You worked so hard.  Rub her back and soothe her.  Then together you can figure out what to do.  Letting her know you understand and accept her feelings—also known as empathy—helps her work through those difficult feelings and learn how to cope with them. Experiencing empathy also helps her show empathy to others, a very important factor in developing healthy relationships.

• Don’t just do something, stand there!  When you are in a stressful situation with your child, it’s important to stop for a moment and think about what’s happening. What is your child telling you about what he is feeling and what he may need to cope?  What are you feeling and reacting to?  This “waiting time”—even if only a few seconds long—gives you the chance to figure out what may be the best approach for our individual child.

• Be a role model for coping with strong feelings and regaining control.  I just spilled the milk all over the floor!  And we are late for story time at the library!  I am feeling so mad right now.  I think I am just going to close my eyes and count to five before I clean up.  Through your words and actions, you can show your child how it is possible to manage and recover from a difficult situation.

• Stop the behavior.  For example, take your child’s hand-- firmly but not roughly-- and tell him, “No hitting. Hitting hurts” in a serious, calm voice.

• Validate your child’s feelings.  You are so angry that Paolo took your toy. It’s okay to feel angry. But you cannot hit. Hitting hurts...

• Model appropriate ways to express feelings.  Show him what he can do to express his angry feelings, like jump up and down, stomp his feet, or hit the sofa cushions.

• Help your child solve the problem.  For example, go over to Paolo together to ask for the toy back. Suggest they use a timer to take turns. 

• Create a safe space in your home with comfort objects such as pillows, stuffed animals and books. Some families call this their “cozy corner”. Let your toddler help create the space. Explain to your toddler that this is the special place where people go in your family when they need a break.

• Help your child learn to regulate his own feelings and behavior by letting him know that he can end his break when he has pulled himself together and is ready to interact again.

• Model taking a break.  When you are having a hard time, feeling frustrated or angry, go to the safe space, too. This is a powerful way to model self-control and shows that you need a break too, sometimes.  It also shows your child that taking a break in the cozy corner is not punishment, but a safe retreat. 

To deal with tantrums:

• Stay calm.  The calmer you are, the calmer your child will feel.  If you get out of control, it is likely to increase your child’s distress.

• Recognize his feelings, but do not tolerate unacceptable behavior.  Until children feel understood, they tend to “up the ante” by intensifying their reaction until they are “heard”. When your child misbehaves, acknowledge her feelings, but let her know that the behavior-- what she did with her feelings-- was unacceptable. I know you are really angry, but you can not throw the blocks. While your child may not understand these words right now, she understands your serious tone and the actions that accompany your words. This helps her understand the word’s meaning as she grows.

• Help your child learn to soothe herself.  Offer your child a lovey or blankie to hold during the tantrum.  Turn on soft music.  Offer your child a special space all his own to “cool down.”  This might be a cozy corner of the room that has pillows and stuffed animals or even a soft blanket placed under a table where he can curl up.  Speak in a calming voice.  Show your child how to stamp his feet, crunch up paper, hit the sofa cushions, or use another acceptable way to express his anger.  These strategies are not giving in to or spoiling your child.  (Giving him the cookie he had the tantrum over would be.)  These are ways to help him cope when he has experienced one of life’s frustrations or disappointments.

• Reconnect.  Look for ways to re-connect with your child after a tantrum.  Lay out several of your child’s favorite books that you might read together.  Offer hugs, back rubs, or a hand to hold.  Remember that your role is not to punish your child for the tantrum (the tantrum was the result of a disappointment already), but to help him recover from it.  This is how he will learn self-control.

• Use logical consequences.  Help your child understand that an unacceptable behavior has a logical consequence.  If your child continues to throw blocks you might say: The blocks had to be put away because you were throwing them. We can try them again later today. Would you like to do a puzzle instead?"

• Recognize that sometimes nothing works.  We all have those moments when our child is hysterical and rolling around the floor of the supermarket with everyone staring.  This doesn’t mean your child is “bad” or the techniques above don’t work.  It just means that parenting is difficult work and there are no easy answers.  Sometimes the best you can do is just be by your child’s side until he calms himself down so he knows that you are there for him.  (And remind yourself that this, too, shall pass.)